Cycles
by GryphonGundam
Summary: Because happily ever after was never part of the plan, and because the road to happiness is tougher than you think. Zechs and Noin struggle to find their footing in the world and with each other. A story in four parts. Rated for swearing.
1. Why?

**A/N: So this series was started about four years ago while I was running for parts at work and was daydreaming while driving and listening to the radio. After picking up my notebook for the first time in years and finding the scribbled post-it notes and the first few paragraphs, I went…good God that's awful. So, I fixed it up some. I hope you enjoy. There will be four parts to this story, and will be updated when I get to it (I work two jobs, so free time is a precious commodity.)**

**Legal stuff: I don't own Gundam Wing, or Zechs, or Noin. I once owned a crappy excuse for a couch like the one mentioned in the story. The Salvation Army or Goodwill wouldn't even take it.**

**This first part was inspired by the song "Why" by Jason Aldean.**

**This is Zechs' POV**

_3 a.m._

In three hours, I have to be up for my shift. In three hours, I will have been up for twenty-four hours straight. Far from my record, but an unpleasant thought nonetheless. I'm exhausted and sore and I desperately want to get some sleep, but my mind won't let me. Or maybe it's this sad excuse for a couch.

Sighing, I shift to lie on my back, draping an arm over eyes stinging from exhaustion. It's sad, really, how the famed Lighting Count has been reduced to sleeping on the couch (if one could call two-by-fours draped with rough fabric a couch) when I have a perfectly good bed just a few paces away. Removing my arm, I turn my head to look at the closed door to my bedroom and sigh again, this time in frustration followed by a rush of anger. Jumping from the couch I stride towards the door, determination replacing my earlier exhaustion.

_It's my damn bed, too. I have every right to be there, _I think, _Why shouldn't I be comfortable?_

_Because you're a damned fool, _the more rational side of my mind says.

I pause with my hand hovering just over the knob for a moment, and then let my hand drop listlessly to my side. Letting out a defeated breath, I turn on my heel and trudge back to couch and sit, burying my head in my hands. The voice is right. I'm a fool who deserves worse than being kicked to the couch for the night. The sad part is I exiled myself. Noin hadn't specifically kicked me out, but stubborn pride had refused to give in and I figured that a night apart would cool tempers. I hindsight, it wasn't by best idea, and to be perfectly honest, the whole thing was stupid.

It's also all my fault. If I was half as smart as people give me credit for, I would have said that in the first place and then maybe I would be curled up in bed, comfy and cozy with Noin lying next to me. But no, I have to be stubborn and stupid and trying to sleep on this God damned excuse for a couch…again. After a quick calculation, I realize this is the third time in two months this happened. It's not something I'm proud of. In fact, the thought startles me.

When Noin and I first arrived on Mars almost two years ago, it was rough both professionally and personally. The beginning stages of terraformation are hard and intense. It was not the ideal time to start a relationship based on something more than friendship, but since when have we done things the easy way? We fought a lot then as we tried to find our place in this new world and tried to sort out the demons of our past while attempting to move forward. We took on any task assigned to us, if only because we craved a challenge and because it worked out whatever personal frustration we were experiencing. After a while, the kinks in the project began to smooth out, and so did the kinks in our relationship. A year ago, things were great. We worked, and talked, and discovered new things about ourselves and each other. And yet, there was always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind, and it wasn't about her, it was about me.

I hadn't been overly surprised when Noin chose to accompany me to Mars, but I wondered if she had made the right choice. She had a lot going for her on Earth, and she deserved more than a near primitive existence with a dead man. I wanted more for her. I still want more for her…better. And while she constantly reassured me that she was here because it was what _she_ wanted, I often questioned her motives at first. Sometimes I still do. As much as I like the idea, I don't want to be her reason. Let's face it, I'm a damn poor choice when you step back and look at things. What concerns me is that I think she's beginning to realize this, as her assurances are more and more hesitant. Yet, despite that knowledge, I covet her presence. She keeps me sane and balanced. She keeps me human. I try not to think about what I'd be like if she weren't here with me.

Have I confided any of this to her? No, not really. Despite my best efforts, talking about my feelings is still foreign. I have periods where I'm pretty good about it, but then I feel too raw, too exposed and vulnerable. So, up go the walls again, putting distance between me and the only person in this universe who gives a damn about me. I know it hurts her, and to be honest, it hurts me too.

So why do I do this? Why do I lash out like I do and try to destroy what we've worked so hard for? Why is it that every time I start to feel content, I backslide and push it all away?

_Simple, _my mind whispers, _because you're scared._

The truth in that realization hurts and I squeeze my aching eyes shut. I'm scared. That's why I push her away when she gets too close. That's why I get frustrated at small things and raise my voice in anger instead of trying to understand and reassure. For instance, tonight's argument shouldn't have happened, but I pushed the issue. Noin had hurt her hand during her shift. It wasn't a bad injury, just a cut across her palm due to a lapse in concentration while assembling irrigation equipment. Anyone else would have shown concern for their lover, asking if it hurt and if there was anything they could do to make her feel better. I'm not that smart. Instead of concerned, I was angry. Instead of giving reassurances, I reprimanded her for being careless, and the argument escalated from there.

To be honest, I wasn't actually angry at her for getting hurt, I was angry at myself for putting her in that situation. She'd been hurt enough in the past because of me. And now, in this haze of exhaustion, I can also say that I was scared…scared that she would get frustrated with the injuries, and therefore with the work, and thus, the lifestyle. I'm scared that someday she'll get angry enough to realize that she made a mistake following me to Mars, that she made a mistake in choosing me. The thought of her leaving terrifies me.

Perhaps that's why I push, why I drive her to the edge before pulling back. In my sick and twisted way of reasoning, when she decides to leave (and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm certain that with each passing argument it's 'when' not 'if') it will be easier if the distance is already there.

And yet, the mere thought of her leaving sends a cold shiver down my spine. I need her. I don't think I can live without her. I'm sure I'd continue to live in that I would breathe and eat and work, but that's not a life. I've done that, and I don't care to go through it again. Maybe that's why whenever we reach that crucial edge, and goodbye is just a breath away, I recant. I apologize, pull her close, try (and fail) to explain why I act the way I do, and tell her I love her.

_It's the only time I tell her I love her._

That realization hits me like a swift kick to the gut, and for the first time in a long while, I feel ashamed. With the exception of the first time I told her, I can't remember a single time I said 'I love you' without a fight and an apology preceding it. And yet, despite this fact, which I'm sure she realized long before my late night (early morning?) epiphany, after every apology, Noin would tell me everything was okay, she understood, and that she wasn't going anywhere. Then things would go back to normal and we'd live comfortably in our routine until the next incident, and then the cycle would start again.

It's not like I want it this way. I hate fighting with Noin. I hate it when I see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes. And I hate this damned couch.

I want this to stop. I want this cycle to end. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to talk to Noin and tell her my doubts…my fears.

Facing an army of mobile dolls naked and blindfolded would be easier.

Sighing again, I punch the couch, regretting my decision when my fist connects with the sharp corner of a board beneath the gray fabric. Hand now throbbing, I gather what's left of my strength and resolve and stand, walking towards the door to the bedroom, knowing what I have to do. For better or worse, this is something that will be resolved tonight.

Slipping into the room, I quietly make my way to Noin's side of the bed and gaze down at her sleeping face. My determination falters in that moment, knowing that she's just as exhausted as me, and I feel guilty for thinking of disturbing her sleep. Maybe I don't need to wake her. Maybe I can do this while she sleeps and get it all out. The first time is always the hardest, and, I rationalize, if I manage to say it once while she's sleeping it will be easier to do a second time when she's awake. Kneeling down, I gently brush her bangs aside…and see the tear stains on her cheeks.

_Damn._

In all of our years together, Noin never broke down in front of me. I never really knew why. I guess she figured I had enough guilt and baggage as it was that her tears didn't need to be added to the list. Noin's a strong person, she doesn't like to show weakness, never has. That makes two of us. But isn't part of loving someone showing your weaknesses? Your faults, fears, and vulnerabilities? Yeah, sure. We've done a wonderful job of that so far. Perhaps now's the time to change all that.

"Zechs?" a sleepy voice asks.

Lifting my tired blue eyes, I find myself looking into equally tired violet ones.

"Noin," I murmur, caught off-guard and suddenly reluctant to speak.

"What time is it?" she asks through a yawn.

"Late. I was…thinking," I answer lamely.

"About?" she prods, propping herself up on an elbow.

_Now or never,_ I think, taking a deep breath. "I was thinking about our argument."

Nodding, she waits for me to continue, her eyes alert and attentive.

"I just wanted to say…" _I'm scared. I need you. I love you. _"That I'm…" _A fool. That I'll try harder. I'll fix this. I'll fix us. I'll die without you._ All my earlier thought ran through my head like a frenzied stampede, and I tried desperately to corral them into a coherent train of thought. "I'm…"

"Yes?" she prompted, seeing me struggle for words.

"I'm sorry." _Fuck!_

Noin blinked, seeming to expect me to say more, which I desperately wanted to, but, as was our pattern, I don't. I opened my mouth in a frantic attempt to continue, but no sound emerged, the words stuck in my throat like thorns. _One step forward, two steps back._

Finally, she lies back down and says, "It's okay. Let's just get some sleep."

Nodding, I walk to the other side of the bed and slide between the covers. The soft mattress feels good, and exhaustion washes over me in a soft, slow wave. I want to sleep, but the nagging voice in the back of my head prompts me to finish what I started. Rolling to my side, I put a hand on Noin's toned, yet soft shoulder, and whisper in her ear.

"I'm sorry, Noin. I'm sorry for acting the way I do." I pause, hoping for a response, but instead, all I hear is her soft, even breathing. Despite my earlier reasoning that talking to her while she was asleep would be easier, I feel defeated. Sinking into the pillow, I mumble, "I wish I could tell you why."

Maybe some sleep will help my resolve. Maybe the light of day will make things clearer and I can break this cycle of non-resolution. Maybe…I can fix this.

While my last conscious thought is optimistic as I drift into the sweet void of sleep, a deeper, darker part of my mind breaks through and tells me that I'm a coward; that this cycle will continue until one of us breaks.

**To be continued…**

**A/N: While not the masterpiece I had hoped for, this turned out better than I thought, especially when I switched it to first person. Please let me know what you think, and yes, this cycle will have a happy ending…eventually (evil grin).**


	2. Settle for a Slowdown

**A/N: Meant to have this up last week, but a sudden visit from my dad kind of messed that up. After all, why would someone leave sunny, beautiful So Cal at 80 degrees for frigid 40 degree Reno? Still kinda wondering what he did to get kicked out of the house for those few days.**

**Anyway, thanks to all my reviewers for part one of this endeavor. Part two here was actually the first part of this cycle that I thought of/wrote **_**years**_** ago. Inspired by "Settle for a Slowdown" by Dierks Bentley.**

_Shouldn't it be raining?_ Zechs thought, resisting the urge to look up. He knew if he did he'd only look like more of a fool than he already felt, staring the steel framing and catwalks of the shuttle bay ceiling. There was no rain on Mars, but he couldn't shake the feeling that a drenching downpour would be wholly appropriate for the situation.

Slightly below and to the right of him, Zechs watched as Lucrezia Noin walked towards the waiting shuttle, stopping to say goodbye to the small group of technicians and laborers assembled near the gangplank. It had finally happened. Zechs had pushed her to the edge one too many times, and now she was leaving. There had been very few words between them in the past two weeks after she announced her decision, and even less in the days approaching her departure. His one attempt at an apology had fallen flat, and after that he had quit trying. After all, 'I'm sorry,' had been said so often between them that the words had lost all meaning. So, breaking their cycle, he hadn't apologized so she wouldn't have to tell him it was okay and reaffirm that she would stay.

_It's what's best, right? _he reasoned. After all, she had a life waiting for her on Earth; a job, friends, a chance at a normal life…a life that she had put on hold for him. A life without him in it.

Zechs came to the conclusion that being the one left behind sucked. Was this empty feeling, this sense of loss what she felt every time he had walked away? If so, then he was quite the bastard.

_No wonder she's leaving, _he thought. _I can't blame her. It's not like I was really giving her something to stick around for. No wonder she hates me._

That thought brought him up short. She didn't hate him, he knew that. It wasn't hate that had made her decide to leave, but disappointment. And he knew, as he just stood there and watched her say her goodbyes, that his lack of action wasn't helping matters. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't hold her back anymore, so when she had quietly and calmly informed him at breakfast one morning that she was leaving, he'd quietly accepted the decision. For once, he hadn't argued, hadn't persuaded. He'd simply shut down and went about his routine like a robot. A stupid, emotionless, spineless robot.

At least he had offered to sleep on the couch for the past few weeks. His back might hurt like hell, but at least he could take credit for ensuring that she had been comfortable in her remaining time on the planet.

Tightening his grip on the railing, Zechs closed his eyes for a moment to steady himself. He had hoped against hope that she would change her mind, but she was as stubborn as she was intelligent, and he knew that fighting her on this would be pointless at best.

So now here he was, standing off to the side, saying nothing, doing _nothing, _and looking like a fool for it. The person he loved most in the universe was walking out of his life, and he was standing still. Noin was determined to leave; he had seen that when she told him, and he watched as her resolve hardened when he did little to nothing to dissuade her. He hated it, but at the same time, he understood. Though Zechs knew Noin wouldn't change her mind, he couldn't help but hope that she would at least hesitate. If she did, if she looked back even for the briefest of moments, then maybe there was a chance he could fix this…fix them.

His blue eyes shifted to focus on her as she began to walk up the ramp. His hands tightened to a white knuckle grip as she moved further away.

_Slow down,_ he silently pleaded. _Look back._

But her pace was steady as she kept her eyes forward. There was no hesitation in her step.

_Slow down. Please. Just one look back. One. _Zechs' chest tightened with each step she took. He held his breath as she reached the shuttle door. _Just one look. One quick glance. Please! _he silently screamed.

Without hesitation, she stepped into the shuttle and took her seat by a window towards the front. His entire world narrowed down to her shadowed profile, scared to breathe lest his concentration lapse for the briefest of moments and miss the glance he so desperately needed.

_Look back. Just once. I still love you. Please, just one quick look. Let me know that there's some small sliver of hope left._

The shuttle bay doors opened and the craft moved quietly out into the blackness of space. A breath later, she was gone. She left without ever looking back.

In the sudden silence, Zechs discovered the sound of a heart breaking.

**A/N: Argh. I feel like something is missing, and yet anything I added seemed to bog the story down. Oh well. Please let me know what you think.**


	3. The Truth

A/N: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yeah, that sums up the week. The only reason this got done was because I had a lot of fixed-post sit down time at work today (punishment) because every time I was on foot patrol this week, something happened, and it usually involved a lot of paperwork, especially on two incidents that required police to be called. Boss was not happy, but it's not my fault people are stupid. Anyway, not my best, hopefully not the worst.

Special shout out to karina001 for the remarkably insightful review. I love stuff like that!

Oh, and blah, blah, I don't own stuff, yadda, yadda.

Inspired by "The Truth" by Jason Aldean.

############

"You look like shit, Merquise."

Zechs snorted and turned his head slightly to glare at the person who had just taken up residence next to him. His bourbon soaked mind took a moment to register the fact that this person knew his name, and even longer for him to realize who it was.

"Po," he acknowledged evenly before turning back to his drink.

"Pleasure to see you too," Sally Po murmured before signaling to the barkeep. A few minutes of silence passed between them before Sally spoke up.

"So, I guess it's pointless to ask what you've been doing lately."

"But you're going to do it anyway," he snorted with just a hint of weariness before he downed the last of his drink and signaled for another. Sally had the grace to wait until his glass had been refilled before replying.

"My guess would be that you've been drinking yourself stupid for the past six months, but that's just me."

"You're partially right," he said with a wry smirk. "I've been working too."

"So…do you drink between shifts, or work between drinks?"

Zechs put his glass down on the scarred wood of the bar with more force than necessary and fixed a cold, if slightly blurry, gaze on the honey blonde.

"What do you want, Sally?"

He wanted to sound angry, but instead the words were heavy with exhaustion, and he watched as Sally's expression went from irritated and combative to sympathetic and sad. Both of them looked away.

This time, a strained silence passed between them as Zechs observed her take in his appearance out of the corner of his eye. Her earlier words of greeting hit him again, and he couldn't help but feel uncomfortable and self-conscious under her scrutiny. Though it had been a day or two since he'd looked in a mirror, he could imagine what he looked like.

His hair was a little shorter now, stopping just above the bottom of his shoulder blades and pulled back into a loose ponytail. He was aware that he'd lost just enough weight to be noticeable about the face and shoulders. Though his clothes were clean, they were worn and a tad rumpled, and his head was covered in a faded black bandana. To top it off, he hadn't shaved in several days.

_Add an eye-patch and a sword, and I'd be a pirate. _He almost smirked at his own silent joke, but stopped when pale blue eyes met his ice blue ones. He had expected to see pity, maybe even sympathy laced with her usual sarcasm, but when all he saw was intense concern he had to look away.

"I expected…" she paused and took a swig of her beer, seeming to take her next words into careful consideration. "I figured you'd be in rough shape, considering everything. But I never thought that, well…" He watched as Sally stumbled over her words and took another long drink. "I just didn't expect…this." The blond woman made a vague gesture towards him, and Zechs wasn't sure if he was supposed to be insulted or not. "You've exceeded my expectations."

"I'm not really sure how to take that," he scowled.

"Me neither," Sally muttered before pausing and looking away. "Zechs, what happened to you?"

"Life," he grunted.

Once again, silence settled between them as they nursed their respective drinks. Zechs chanced a glance or two at Sally, only to find her staring into her beer as if it held the answers to all the problems in the universe.

"Why are you here, Sally?" he finally asked, though his voice barely rose above the din of the only pub on the busy M-5 supply station satellite.

"You mean on the colony or in this bar?"

Zechs shrugged. "Both, I guess."

"Information gathering," was the simple answer.

Zechs couldn't help but wonder if he was a part of the information itinerary. He dismissed the thought almost as fast as it had come. He wasn't a threat anymore, and any hope of someone caring about him had dried out with the last letter he had received from his sister (and hadn't replied to) two months ago.

"For the moment," Sally continued, pulling him out of his thoughts, "I'm just killing time until my partner gets here."

Before he could stop himself, Zechs straightened slightly and focused more of his attention on his companion.

"Partner?" he asked, hating the small sliver of hope that underscored the word. That hope was quickly and ruthlessly crushed when she turned sad eyes towards him.

"I work with Chang now."

"Oh." He couldn't think of anything more profound at the moment. He wanted to ask the question that had been niggling at the back of his mind since the blond agent had sat next to him, but he was afraid of the answer. Rumor from the other workers on Mars that had communicated with Noin said that she was doing just fine without him. He knew she would, but a part of him hoped that maybe, _maybe_ she would at least ask after him.

"She's doing well," Sally supplied. "She's a top agent, has a nice apartment, friends, even a goldfish."

Zechs nodded, his throat tightening and choking off any words that tried to surface.

"She can't seem to keep a partner, though," Sally continued. "She tends to wear them out."

"She's never done anything halfway," he answered with a hint of a smile.

"What can I say? She's a passionate woman. And stubborn," Sally added.

Zechs nodded at this, smothering a fond grin.

"I'm…" he began, pausing a moment to sip his drink. "I'm glad she's happy."

"Zechs," she began, her voice taking on a tone that made him meet her eyes and gave her his undivided attention. "I said things were going well, not that she was happy."

Zechs blinked and then stared, trying to find the meaning behind her words.

"Woman." A sharp tone, perhaps an octave lower than the blonde man remembered, broke them from their staring contest.

Sally's face became a mix of amusement and irritation as she looked over her shoulder at her partner. About to reply, she stopped when Wufei's attention shifted to Zechs.

"Merquise," the young Chinese man stated evenly. Zechs only nodded in reply and turned back to the remainder of his dink. "Ready to go?" Wufei asked his partner.

"Sure," she answered, pausing only to down the last of her beer and drop a few credits on the bar.

Zechs continued to stare at his drink, assuming the two agents had left. He managed not to jump when Sally leaned over his shoulder.

"You know," she began slowly, "we figured we'd run into you here, since your supply run coincided with our mission. Despite what you think, there are a few people who want to know how you're _really_ doing." The blond agent paused, seeming to give him time to think. "What should I tell them?"

Zechs hesitated as he considered his options. Sally was right. After all, he looked like shit, and felt like it too. "Tell them…" he paused, wondering what good it would do for anybody (and despite her efforts, Zechs knew that "them" was really only one person) to know the truth. Would it set their mind at ease to know that he worked too much, ate too little, and though it wasn't as often as most thought, he spent what little precious time he had off the terraformation project on supply runs in this run down pub? Would they feel better knowing that he what little sleep he managed to get was on that God awful couch because he couldn't stand an empty bed? Would _they _like to know that he was miserable, lonely, and moments away from crazy because of all of the above? No, he wouldn't burden _them_ with these revelations. He couldn't, because even now, he wanted to make her life better.

"Tell them…whatever you want," he finally answered, voice strained. "Just…don't tell them the truth."

Nodding in comprehension, Sally rejoined her partner at the door and the two agents left the broken man behind.

###########

"So, what are you going to say?" Wufei asked as he set the shuttle on autopilot and sat back in his chair.

Turning her attention away from the viewport, Sally sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know. What is there _to _say?"

It was truly a miserable situation. Though what she had told Zechs about Noin was true, that things were going well, she hadn't been lying when she also told him that she wasn't happy. Her friend put up a good front, but Noin was lacking a vital spark. Even when Zechs had been presumed dead between the wars, Noin had managed to have genuine enthusiasm for her job. Now, she just seemed to be going through the motions. From what she had seen and heard, Zechs was doing pretty much the same thing. Though the two never directly asked, it was understood that any information was casually passed on, but, as she feared, most of the time the ones doling out information didn't want to hurt anyone by going deeper than the casual 'everything's fine.'

"They need to hear the truth."

Sally snapped her attention to her partner. "You think that would help anything?"

Wufei shrugged casually before speaking. "It couldn't hurt anymore than omitting the truth has. It's obvious that they're miserable without each other, but no one is willing to say anything. Without the proper information, they can't form a plan of action and make the next move."

"This is a relationship, Wufei, not a mission," Sally said wryly.

"You say 'tomato,'" he replied with a smirk of his own. "Let's look at this philosophically."

"Okay," she answered warily.

"What's better, knowing that someone you love was hurt by the separation, at least for a little while, or hearing that they've been doing just fine? If they were hurt or had trouble getting on for a while, that means that there was genuine affection there. However, if said person is getting along just fine without any problems, that leads the other person to wonder if the first person ever really cared. It becomes an endless cycle of wondering and questioning, and resolution can only come when one party comes clean about their feelings or motives. Make sense?"

"Surprisingly, yes," Sally replied, stunned. "Mass miscommunication equals mass failure." At Wufei's nod she couldn't help but smile. "Where did you get all this from?"

"I read it in a 'Dear Abby' column." He couldn't help but smirk at his partner's flabbergasted expression. "What? You were late for breakfast and I'd already read the rest of the newspaper."

"You are a constant source of surprises, Chang."

An easy silence settled between the two at they retreated to their own thoughts.

"So, what are you going to do?" Wufei asked.

"Tell her the truth. After that, it's up to them."

With a simple nod of his head, the two agents once again let an easy silence fall between them.

##############

**A/N: And crap. It was going so well, what happened? (sigh). I'm happy with this for the most part, up until the conversation with Sally and Wufei, which seemed to fall apart on me. Ah well. Criticize away!**


	4. Draw Me a Map

**A/N: Greetings all. My sincerest apologies for the long delay. I can sum it up in two words: Epic Distractions. Anyway, this is the final installment of this little adventure, a gift from me to you. It's a good deal longer than the other chapters, but it was necessary. Hope you all enjoy.**

**Flashbacks are written in italics.**

**Song inspiration: "Draw Me a Map" by Dierks Bentley and "Back to December" by Taylor Swift.**

**

* * *

**"Evening, hon."

"Janice," Zechs nodded as he took his now customary seat on the worn and cracked vinyl stool at the diner counter. "How are you this lovely night?"

With a rueful grin and a glance at the thick curtain of snow that obscured the view outside, the elder woman replied, "Oh, just dandy. I'd head on out and take a little stroll in my bikini if it weren't so darned crowded tonight."

Accepting the cup of coffee that automatically appeared, Zechs looked around the small, virtually empty diner and gave a small grin of his own. "Yeah," he said, "Too bad it's so packed or I'd offer to join you."

Letting out a deep chuckle that was roughened by years of smoking and far too many late nights, the gray haired woman quickly set up the coffee maker to brew a new pot before turning back to her new favorite customer. There was a comfortable silence between the two as Zechs sipped his coffee and avoided Janice's inquisitive hazel eyes. He knew what was coming, but he was chilled nearly to the bone from his walk and wanted to warm up a little before beginning their nightly "session." Janice, however, was not exactly known for her patience, and the slight deepening of the wrinkles around her eyes and the pursing of her lips told Zechs that he wouldn't get the slight reprieve he'd hoped for.

"Well?" she asked.

"Well, what?" Zechs countered, hiding his grin behind his cup.

"Don't be smart with me, boy, you know darn well what."

The blonde man couldn't help but chuckle at her indignant attitude. Zechs couldn't remember what his grandmother was like, and surely she was nothing like the woman currently staring him down, but a part of him had hoped that she was similar to the hardened, melding, yet caring waitress he had become so fond of. This parlay had become routine ever since he had plopped down in this very chair nearly two months ago, hungry, cold, defeated, and very lost. It had been near midnight then, he mused as he took another sip of coffee, and he had fully expected to be booted from the diner when he came stumbling in…

*Flashback*

_The rain poured in unforgiving sheets, but it was the wind that had cut Zechs to the bone, prompting him to duck into the small corner diner in an effort to find relief, if even for a few minutes, from the brutal autumn night. Taking a look around once he'd entered, he saw only two people occupying the space. The first was a tough looking thirty-something trucker nursing a cup of coffee while waiting out the storm, and the other was a waitress in her sixties, gray hair pulled back in a bun and weathered eyes that gave a critical once over of his soaked form before nodding to the counter. Hesitating a moment under the scrutiny of the two rather intimidating figures, the blonde made his way to the counter and gratefully lowered himself onto the vinyl stool. _

_"So, what'll it be, hon?"_

_Zechs was momentarily startled by the sudden appearance and rough voice of the waitress. The woman seemed impatient and he wondered if the diner was getting ready to shut down for the night and he was that last straggler that was holding everything up. _

_"Um, coffee," he finally answered. _

_"That it?"_

_"Yes," he said, and seeing the stern look on the woman's face quickly added "please."_

_With another critical glance, the waitress nodded and turned to grab a cup and a poured the last dregs of the coffee pot into it before placing it in front of him and walking off to tend to the trucker. Taking a cautious sip of his beverage, Zechs found it to be stale and burnt, but it was hot and at the moment that was all that really mattered. Even though Mars had been far from hospitable, the habitable areas had been climate controlled (for the most part), and he had forgotten how quickly the rain on Earth could chill the body. Taking another sip, he listened to the rain and the conversation taking place behind him. _

_"Gonna be a rough one tonight, eh Henry?"_

_"Yeah. Not too much further to go tonight, then I'm home with the kids for a full week."_

_"Good for you. It's been a while since you've gotten to be home for that long."_

_"Just in time too. Wife's been telling me the baby's been teething."_

_"Better not keep you then," the waitress laughed._

_Despite the veiled complaint, Zechs could hear the affection in the man's voice. A slight and unexpected pang of envy tightened his chest as he took another sip. He had returned to Earth three weeks ago to no fanfare and only a brief and awkward welcome from Relena, who had needed to leave for a conference the following day. In his wildest fantasies, Noin had been waiting for him at the airport with a smile and a welcome home hug. That, however, would have required some type of communication between them in the past year. He was not good at communication, and she had, understandably, not contacted him. He abruptly put his cup down as the coffee suddenly became far bitterer than it had been. He heard movement behind him and glanced back to see Henry start towards the door with the waitress beside him._

_"Good night, Henry."_

_"G'night, Janice. You sure you're okay here?"_

_Zechs felt more than saw the suspicious glare the trucker sent his way. _

_"I'll be fine, Henry. He looks harmless enough, just a bit lost. Now, get on home."_

_Zechs continued to stare in his cup as he listened to the soft conversation behind him and the soft chime of the bell over the door as Henry left. A few minutes passed, the only sound being Janice's footsteps and the rain falling outside. Suddenly, his coffee cup vanished. Looking up with a mix of confusion and irritation, Zech's blue eyes met Janice's hazel ones as she set a fresh cup in front of him._

_"Considering how long that pot had been sittin' before you got here, that last cup had to be terrible."_

_Another moment passed before Zechs chuckled. "I didn't want to be rude, but yeah, it was awful."_

_"You wouldn't be the first to give me a hard time over it, hon." This time when she looked him over, her features were soft, sympathetic. Zechs relaxed almost immediately. "So, what brings a soldier like you to this neck of the woods?"_

_"How'd you know I was a soldier?" Zechs asked, trying to bypass the question. Truthfully, he didn't really have a good answer. Saying he had been standing in the rain outside his ex-girlfriend's home would make him look like a stalker, and he wasn't quite ready to be thrown out yet._

_"Don't play dumb, son. I know exactly who you are. My son was serving under you when he died." Zechs tensed and braced himself for a verbal beating and subsequent hasty departure. He was brought up short by her next statement. "Don't tense up like that, I won't hurt you. Don't even blame you."_

_"Why?" he asked before he could stop himself. He was so used to animosity and venom, that this apathy had thrown him off._

_"Because it was his choice, and I'm proud of him for sticking to his principals."_

_The answer was so simple and sincere, that Zechs felt a lump form in his throat. '_If onlyeverything were so simple_,' he thought, his mind drifting to his reason for wandering about in the rain._

_"So, you gonna answer me, or what?" Janice was now leaning on her arms on the counter, her deep hazel eyes boring into his soul. "Whatever it is, it's got you pretty twisted up inside. By the looks of you, it has for a while."_

_The younger man couldn't help but bark a harsh laugh at her keen observation. When Janice's only response was a raised eyebrow, he sobered and stared down at the counter. "It's…complicated."_

_"Ah," the waitress replied with exaggerated wisdom. "It's about a woman."_

_Another laugh escaped his throat at her rather spot on conclusion. "Maybe," he hedged_

_Janice let out deep chuckle as she topped off his cup and went about wiping down the counters. _

_A few moments passed as they each were lost in their own thoughts. Zechs looked out the window of the diner and noticed that the rain had begun to subside. A moment before he looked away, a figure on the sidewalk caught his eye and he held his breath. She was under an umbrella and the trench coat covered the rest of her, but Zechs had always been able to pick Noin out of a crowd. She didn't pause as she hurried by the diner, determination in her steps. Despite the dim lighting, he caught a glimpse of the annoyed and exhausted look on her face. Apparently, it hadn't been a good day._

_As Noin's form faded into the rain and darkness, Zechs turned back to see Janice watching him, a tiny "I told you so" grin tugging at her mouth. With a sigh, the blonde took a moment to gather his thoughts._

"_I'm…looking for something," he finally said._

"_Oh?" was the waitress' only response as she placed a few freshly cleaned mugs on the shelf._

_Zechs squirmed a little in his chair as he struggled with himself. He wanted, no _needed_ to talk to someone. But, he had just met this woman. _'And yet,' _he thought '_I feel…comfortable. Must be the 'comfort of strangers' I've heard so much about.'

"_I…lost something very important, vital actually, to me, a long time ago." Zechs took a sip of coffee to steady himself before continuing. "Truth is, I know where it's at, I just don't know how to get to it." Looking up, Zechs noted the slight look of confusion on his companion's face. Pausing a moment to think, he struggled to come up with a good explanation. "It's like being out in the wilderness on a long hike, but you've lost your way. You know there's a path, but you've wandered off of it, so you climb a hill to orient yourself. In the distance, you see the path that you want, and past that, your destination. The problem is that between you and your path, and ultimately your goal, there's nothing but thick woods obscuring the way. You know where you want to go, you just can't quite figure out how to get there. And all you can think about it that if you just had a map, you could find your way back, no problem. Make sense?"_

_Zechs watched as Janice hesitantly nodded her head, but still looked puzzled._

"_It makes some sense, but why don't you start at the beginning of the story, anyway."_

*End flashback*

And so he did. Almost every night, rain, snow, sleet, and freezing temperatures were ignored so he could have a cup of coffee with Janice and talk. They had talked for hours that first night, with Zechs letting out hesitant and disjointed pieces of his story, beginning with who Noin was, how they had met, how they had parted ways just over a year prior, and everything in between. Janice had been attentive and had prodded him on when he'd faltered. That night he left the small diner exhausted and with a strange sense of relief, and a glimmer of hope. Just before he had exited the diner into the drizzling rain, the waitress had, rather casually, informed him that Noin was no stranger to the diner, and came in a few times a week. With a wink, she had sent him on his way.

At first, Zechs had wondered if his nightly return to the diner was due to the selfish hope that Noin would see him there and try to talk to him, but the truth was that it felt good to just sit and chat, to get his demons off his chest with someone who wasn't a military doctor or a participant in his past. The fact that Janice wasn't shy about grabbing him by the proverbial scruff of the neck and pointing out what an idiot he was didn't hurt either.

And when he had stepped through the door one night and seen Noin in a corner booth, Janice had quickly appeared and guided him to the counter with a stern "Not now, you dummy" look. As badly as Zechs had wanted to approach his old friend and lover, he knew that it would have been a disastrous encounter. He was still a tangled mess of emotions, and he now understood that he needed to figure himself out before he could even begin to fathom figuring _them_ out. So every night, Zechs came in and chatted with Janice, and three times a week Noin would be there, neither of them really acknowledging the other but feeling each other's presence. On those nights, Zechs talked just a tad louder, indirectly confessing his faults and feelings to Noin as Janice listened, a sly twinkle in her eye as she caught on to what he was doing.

Speaking of, Zechs noticed that Noin was in attendance tonight. An impatient drumming of fingers on the countertop drew his attention and he realized that he hadn't answered the waitress' question yet.

"Well?" she prompted. "Any progress?"

"No," Zechs responded. "I can still see the path, but I haven't found the map yet."

"Ah, speaking in metaphors today, I see," Janice laughed, "And I was asking about the job situation."

"Oh," the young man responded, feeling a bit chagrinned. "No real change there, either." A beat of silence passed before he spoke again. "I think I've made some progress, though, regarding the other issue, anyway." At Janice's raised eyebrow, he continued. "I think I figured out where I started to mess up."

"When?"

"Back in December."

"Zechs, hon, it is December," Janice said sardonically and pointed to the current date on the calendar.

"No, not this December, or even last for that matter." He paused, finishing off his coffee and sending a silent request for more. "It was a December many years ago, before the wars. Before Noin and I had even graduated from the academy."

*Flashback*

_Zechs was exhausted. His arms and legs felt like lead, and his head felt twice as heavy. Instructor Barkesh's exercises were famous for their intensity, but this week long training mission had been particularly harsh. The fact that the weather had been far from ideal didn't help matters. All he wanted was a hot meal, a hotter shower, and his bunk, in that order. Upon reaching the mess hall, he noticed that it was deserted. He knew it was late, but there were usually a few students here and there grazing on the meals that were set aside for those whose schedule had not allowed for a proper meal._

_"You forgot, didn't you?" a soft, yet wonderfully welcome voice said behind him._

_Turning, Zechs came face to face with the violet eyes and wry smile of his best friend. "Forgot what?" he asked stupidly._

_"It's Christmas, silly. The mess hall closed early when the few students who hadn't gone home for the holiday were done."_

_It took Zechs' tired mind a moment to process the information before he rubbed a hand over his face in weary exasperation. He'd been so focused on his training mission the past few weeks, he had completely forgotten about the holiday. When he looked back up, he saw that Noin's smile had softened, and she gently took his hand in hers and turned towards the hall leading to the dorms._

_"It's a good thing I know you so well. I snagged a couple of plates before it was too late."_

_Zechs allowed a gentle and thankful smile to grace his features as they moved down the hall towards her room. Noin had been looking out for him since the day they met when they were twelve. At first, he had resented the unsolicited attention, but slowly he came to appreciate the small gestures. Four years later, at sixteen, he was beginning to depend on them, on her. That thought brought him up short as a pang of fear hit him. The feeling faded as quickly as it had come, and for the moment he brushed it off as fatigue._

_Before he was entirely aware of it, they had arrived at her room. As she opened the door, he could smell the food that had been left to warm up in the microwave. Ushering him to a chair at the small table/desk in the corner by the window, Zechs took his seat gratefully, removing the sunglasses and uniform cap he currently used to hide his features, and watched as Noin retrieved the plates and placed one in front of him._

_"Thank you," he murmured, not even bothering to check the temperature as he took a bite of mashed potatoes. _

_They ate their meal in silence, Zechs barely pausing to chew his food, let alone taste it. A few minutes and an empty plate later, he sat back and sighed, closing his eyes. He cracked a blue eye open when he heard a slight giggle and playfully glared at his companion._

_"What's so funny?" he asked._

_"You."_

_He sighed again, waiting for her to elaborate. When she didn't he closed his eyes again, taking a moment to relax his tired body. _

_"If you fall asleep in that chair, you're staying there all night. I'm not sure I can carry you anymore," Noin commented, acknowledging his newly achieved height and broadening shoulders._

_Grinning, he replied, "Guess you'll just have to deal with me, then."_

_"Oh, whatever shall I do?" she mocked, and he gave a quiet laugh as he heard her move around her small room. _

_The feel of soft fingertips brushing his long bangs away startled him out of his slight doze and his eyes snapped open to find Noin leaning over him slightly, a sheepish smile on her face._

_"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Here," she said, handing him a small wrapped package._

_"What is it?" he asked, sitting up._

_"A pony," she replied sarcastically, "just add water and it'll grow."_

_Casting a mock glare at his friend, he slowly unwrapped the small parcel and examined its contents. At first, he thought it was a thin wallet, but upon opening it, he found that it was a leather two panel picture frame. He'd seen these in a few field tents, and knew a few MS pilots who kept them in their pockets for good luck. The picture inside was of him and Noin, and had been taken that past summer. They had been off for the weekend and had wandered into the small town that was a few miles south of the base. They had taken refuge under a tree by the fountain in the town square, and both were smiling, his arm around her shoulders, hers around his waist. He wasn't wearing anything to cover his face and his expression was relaxed, happy._

_"It was the only picture I had that would fit in there. You can replace it if you like."_

_"No, thank you. It's perfect," he assured her, standing up. "I…didn't get you anything, Noin." _

_"I don't need anything," she said as she stepped closer and without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug. Nestling her head against his chest, Noin whispered, "I just need you."_

_He froze at her words, the earlier pang of fear returning full force. The realization that she needed him as much as he needed her terrified him. He had goals he needed to achieve, at any cost. He couldn't afford to depend on or need anyone but himself, and it wouldn't do any good for her to need or depend on him in case he failed. He didn't want her to get hurt because of him. If something happened to her, it would kill him. No, he had to remain distant, for both their sakes. Abruptly, he stepped out of her comforting embrace and moved across the room to the door. _

_"Thank you for the gift, Noin. I'll see you tomorrow." _

_He left without looking back._

*End flashback*

"That was the first time I pushed her away. After that, I began to put a lot of effort into maintaining a certain distance between us. It became a bad habit I didn't know how to break."

Meeting Janice's gaze, he saw a mix of sympathy and admonishment in her eyes.

"You, my boy, are an idiot."

Zechs laughed and sipped at his now lukewarm drink. "Don't I know it."

It had been a realization that was a long time in coming. Looking back on his past, he came to the conclusion that in his effort to spare Noin and himself the pain and heartache he was convinced he'd bring her, he had instead inflicted far more than he had intended. Without her support, without _her_, he had been weak and allowed his fear to cloud his judgment. Zechs now openly admitted that he needed her to feel whole, that her strength and faith in him was what had kept him going. Without her, he was completely lost. He told the gray-haired waitress as much.

"You know what kills me," he said after a long pause, "is that if I hadn't walked away that night, I know that things would have turned out much differently. They would have been better. If there was a moment in my life I could take back, it would be that one."

Behind him, he felt Noin's soft gaze resting on him, and he resisted the urge to turn around.

"No sense in dwelling on the 'what if,' hon. Hard to see what's in front of you when you're always looking backward," Janice chided as she wiped down the counter.

"Yeah, I get that now. You know, I've still got that picture. Want to see it?"

Zechs heard a sharp intake of breath from the table behind him as he pulled out the worn leather picture fold. Opening it, he showed the picture to the waitress, explaining, "I never told her, but I always kept this in my uniform coat, over my heart. Even when I didn't have a uniform, I always kept it close by."

"Well, weren't you a cute little fella," Janice cooed, "and she's quite the pretty one. You look good together." Zechs nodded in thanks and took an extra moment to gaze at the picture before returning the item to his coat pocket. "So," his companion began, replacing a mug on the shelf behind her, "now that you know where you lost your way, maybe you should think about backtracking, find your starting point and make another go of it."

"Yeah," he agreed with a grin, "I think that's a good idea." Still feeling a bit impish, he couldn't help but add, "But it sure would be easier if I had that damn map."

He was rewarded with a hearty laugh and a flick of her wet cleaning rag.

"He giving you a hard time, Janice?" Henry joked from the opposite end of the counter.

"No more than usual. Aren't you supposed to be headed home?" the waitress replied, shifting her attention to the trucker and leaving Zechs to his own thoughts.

_Find the starting point and make another go of it,_ he mused. Truthfully, he had tried that a few times, going so far as standing in the cold outside of Noin's home, trying to find the courage to knock on the door. The problem was that he knew he wasn't quite welcome yet, and even more important, if she had answered the door, he hadn't yet figure out where to start. And that was why he came here almost every night, to gain a little perspective and a little more courage.

The former pilot was so engrossed in his own thoughts that he barely noticed when someone brushed past him and out the door. Casting a quick glance over his shoulder, he noticed that Noin had left the diner. However, when he looked back at the counter, he saw a napkin with something scribbled on it lying next to his empty cup. Curious and cautiously optimistic, he picked up the napkin and examined it, his breath catching in his throat. On it was a hastily drawn diagram depicting the path from the diner to Noin's home, and under that were two words: _Just knock._

"What's that, hon?" Janice asked as she approached him.

With a slow smile, Zechs answered in an awed whisper, "A map."

* * *

The snow had slowed down by the time Zechs reached his destination. It had been barely an hour since he'd received his makeshift map, and he was awash in nerves. He wondered for a moment if he should wait until tomorrow to bother her, but Janice had been rather insistent (actually she had literally pushed him out the door) that he see to the issue immediately, and he didn't want to disappoint her.

So here he stood in the snow at midnight, his hand frozen in the air just inches away from the door. Swallowing and taking a breath to steel himself, he took that final step and knocked on the door. An agonizing moment passed as he waited. A million thoughts raced through his head, and he couldn't seem to catch a single one to focus on. All those thoughts came to a screeching halt as the door opened, revealing a face he had been aching to see for ages.

Her expression was a careful mask of caution and indifference, but in the violet eyes that he had missed so much he saw a glimmer of hope. He wondered if that hope was reflected in his own eyes. A tense moment of silence passed as he struggled to find something to say.

"Hi," was all he managed, and he instantly felt like an idiot.

"Hi," she responded, a small smile tugging at her lips.

Silence again, but this time Zechs was able to gather his thoughts. It was funny, they had known one another over half their lives, had shared a lifetime of experiences together, fought together (and against each other), had lived together for two years on a remote planet carving out some semblance of a life, and all they could find to say was 'hi'. The absurdity of it startled a quiet laugh out of him, and the tension seemed to ease.

"Sorry," he apologized, seeing her slightly puzzled look. "It's just... I had what I wanted to say all figured out, and now, my mind is totally blank."

Her soft smile returned as she shyly met his eyes again. "So, you found my map."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Thank you."

"Does this mean you found your way back?" she asked, brushing a lock of raven hair out of her eyes in what Zechs remembered was a nervous gesture.

"Do you want me to be back?" He realized as soon as he said it how loaded that question sounded. When she didn't answer, he feared that he had ruined everything and looked down, squeezing his eyes shut.

The gentle pressure of two fingers in his chin prompted him to raise his head and look at Noin once again. There was a slight twinkle of amusement in her violet depths, reassuring him that he hadn't completely screwed up.

"You know," she began, her voice and expression sobering, "There's too much history between us to start all over again." Zechs' heart plunged to his toes and his throat tightened. "But," she continued "maybe we can backtrack a little and get some better footing before moving forward."

He couldn't stop the hopeful, joyous smile that spread on his face, and he had to stop himself from grabbing her in a crushing hug. Instead, he settled for grasping one of her hands, caressing the knuckles with his thumb.

"Noin, one of my biggest mistakes was keeping you distant. I was so busying being a soldier, that I forgot how to be your friend. For that, I'm sorry." Zechs felt her take his other hand and he smiled wider. "Maybe, we should go back to when we were friends, and see where that takes us."

"I think…we can handle that." She paused a moment, seeming to debate something before continuing. "I've missed you," she whispered.

"I've missed you, too, Noin."

As Noin stepped forward, he wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug, feeling her respond in kind. They stood in a comfortable silence, reveling in the presence of one another, when a thought struck him.

"You know, you got me a map to my missing piece for Christmas, but I didn't get you anything."

He felt her smile against his chest as her arms tightened around him a little more. "Zechs, all I need is you."

Instead of the fear and uncertainty that had plagued him so often in the past, he felt warm and content.

He felt like he was home.

_Fin._

**A/N: So, that's it. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year.**


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